19 replies to this topic

[ian senior]

I used to be a regular contributor to this forum, but in recent years I haven't had much to say, although I have looked in from time to time.  I'm going to mark my return to active duty by not saying anything about motor sport but instead to say a few words about something that is very important to me.  I hope you don't mind.

 

My wife's funeral took place last week.  She died of cancer of the liver.  I think it's fair to say that her last few weeks on the planet weren't very pleasant for her.

 

I'm sure I'm not the only person who has known,  or known of, someone who died of cancer.  I've always felt sad for the person who died, and for the people left behind.  But it was only a fleeting sadness.  As they say, life goes on.  This time it was different.  It was personal.

 

As you can probably guess, my emotions have been very much up and down over the past few weeks, but one evening I suddenly felt very angry.  It finally hit much how much I hate and detest cancer.  It's a complete bastard - there is no other word for it.  It took away the woman  who was my wife and lover and best friend for over forty years.  It was then that I decided I had to do something about it

 

I'm neither selfless enough nor dedicated enough to spend every waking moment in the future working towards beating cancer.  After all, I've still got a life to lead and I'd like a little light relief now and then.  But I made a small start by asking everyone who attended the funeral to make a donation towards cancer research.. It raised a nice little sum which will go towards doing some useful work in the future.  And when my head has cleared a bit from all the recent turmoil, I'll work out some other ways I can help.

 

My purpose in writing this lot is to ask you, your family and friends, to make a donation to cancer research.  It doesn't have to be much - even just put 5p in a collection tin. It will all help.

 

I want to see cancer beaten out of existence.  It's only right that more of us should die peacefully and pain free at a ripe old age, rather than be taken too soon by this complete scourge on humanity.  Please, everyone. do what you can.

 

Thank you.

Edited by ian senior, 09 November 2023 - 11:29.

[Ray Bell]

Is it fair to assume that your wife was in her early sixties?

 

Yes, it is a terrible thing to live through, and though it must depend on how long the sufferer has the cancer and how much pain it creates for them, there is a level of sameness about the outcome for all.

 

It's not unknown on this forum that I've endured the same loss. If you have access to the Paddock Club you might have seen, or might look at, the thread I put up recently about events surrounding Janet's death in 2013 - https://forums.autos...013/?p=10437058

 

While I want to express my condolences I also want to say, more likely for the benefit of others, that this is the greatest loss you can endure. Nobody is as close to you as your wife of many years, nobody could be. There is nobody else who you go to sleep with every night and wake up with every morning, nobody else who shares the confidences with you that the closeness of that relationship brings, nobody who plans and lives life's adventures in the same way. And, as you say, she was your "wife and lover and best friend" for all those years.

 

So you know I know what I am saying. You are not alone, you will go through the next year living with every 'first anniversary' of the steps along the way to her untimely passing. You will wake in the mornings with your pillow tear-stained, you will put yourself into a state from time to time when you think of a moment or an event of those forty years that only she gave you, you will remember the words she told you as her life wasted away.

 

Yes, cancer is a bastard! It took Janet from me at a mere 58, my youngest brother at 59, one of my best friends at 37.

 

And as I approach the tenth anniversary of Janet's death, none of the pain has gone away. While I could say I'm sorry I have to tell you that, I can also tell you that it's possible to learn to live with it.

[E1pix]

I’m very, very sorry to read this, Ian.

You have my deepest sympathies. Recovery does come in stages.

Some either can’t or don’t grieve, thinking that’s a sign of strength. I personally think it’s a sign of something else, a lack of coping or thinking it weak to have human emotions, and I’m a firm believer such dismissals are a forecast to one’s own failing health.

Know that others have compassion. You will soon realize who your friends are, and that in itself is terribly painful… though in the end, a true gift in only surrounding yourself with others who care.

When my wife had her stroke at 43 from ongoing family stress, otherwise in a mountaineer’s physical condition, it felt like our circle of maybe 250 crashed a plane and way less than half survived, and it really hurt.

Best to you, and know that even strangers can feel love for you. Let them.

[flatlandsman]

My mother (who I was immensely close to) was diagnosis to done in less than a year, an utterly aggressive cancer, thankfully as an only child we were prepared, she knew how to handle it and how she was going to deal with it, so everything outside of the awful illness was easy to deal with, but losing someone that quickly is hideous, there was no real treatment and what there was, was so awful and caused so much distress it was simply not worth it.

 

I feel anyone's pain losing someone to cancer, but I was relatively lucky, it was dealt with, sorted and done, we knew the plan and stuck to it as mean or ruthless as that sounds.  What it does mean is I do not cling to that awful memory, I cling to good memories, I was able to push the bad stuff aside, (it is always there but rarely surfaces) and remember the good stuff.  Easier for a parent than a partner obviously but hopefully in time you can get to a stage where the pain is easier to deal with, there are I am sure friends and family who can help, use them, lean on them, do not be afraid of being a burden.  

 

If it helps to write stuff here, do it,  there will always be someone in the same boat, every situation is different, but loss is never a good thing. Even though it might sound harsh and trite to say it, do not lose your interests, anyone who loved you would never want that, take joy in them in time, find the little things you loved about racing and pursue them still if you can. 

 

it does get easier, I can promise you that. 

Edited by flatlandsman, 08 November 2023 - 18:03.

[cpbell]

So sorry to hear, Ian.

[Afterburner]

Ian, I'm incredibly sorry to hear about your loss. Cancer is just awful.

[10kDA]

My sympathy and prayers for healing.

Cancer killed my mother, my mother-in-law, two of my mentors, two close friends from my creative group, and three friends from other circles, over the past ten years. In some of these cases I deferred my grief - I had much to do related to their passing that required my attention in the time just after their deaths. This was not wise. Grieving is better faced immediately.

Many of the people who knew and loved my mother and my friends donated to cancer research without my prompting, though I did make that request. It's likely they had lost their own loved ones to cancer.

In time grieving loses some of its pain but in my experience it does not ever really pass. There is no real "closure".

A difficult time will pass and I hope you can find peace.

[JacnGille]

Sorry to see your news.

[GreenMachine]

Ian, my deepest condolences to you and your family. 

 

I have lost close family, but not to that bastard - instead I am the one who has drawn that straw.  Operation, radiotherapy, chemotherapy, and now things have stabilised with on-going hormone therapy, so I am a beneficiary of the research that has and continues to happen into its early detection and treatment.  For obvious reasons, I make my modest contribution to funding cancer research.

 

In that context I mention that I have also made a bequest in my will to cancer research - that is another way of attacking it, as far as practicable given any family responsibilities that need to be discharged there.

[Doug Nye]

Very, very touched to read your message Ian - and to sense what you are enduring.  Time is a great healer, if only in terms of growing perspective, neither really cancelling pain nor rage at such loss.  But from personal experience just focus upon the happy memories, the mind pictures of good times shared. Nothing cures it. Nothing can possibly mend it - but the positive mind pictures survive within for you to replay and relive - if the will is there.  

 

Those pictures of loved ones lost really do survive, life long.  There is still life here to live. It will be different but it is an option here to be enjoyed. I really hope it proves so for you - and I am sure all here, most sincerely, wish you well...

 

DCN

[Lee Nicolle]

Cancer got my mother, a cancer that came back about 5 years after beating it. The treatment almost killed her, both chemo and radiotherapy. When it came back she wished for palliative care only. She died about 3 weeks later in a hospital but really no great pain. She was 80.

My father on the other hand [who did NOT have cancer] lasted about 10 days too long, distressing to see a man turning black at his extremities. He was 92.

An old g/f  of over 40 years ago whom I had kept in touch with had had in her young days lumps removed from both breasts. Then a cancer in her left breast, a mascectomy then a breast reconstruction. And then the cancer came back and she died last year. This all over about 15 months. Very sad.

I have several friends who have had cancer and are free currently. One has turned very sour, another is back at work, though self employed and can work to his own pace within reson.

Worse one was a child of about 8 who battled cancer for about 3 years and finally sucumbed. A friends relative whom I had met a couple of times. From what I saw and heard he did take it fairly well though the last few weeks were not nice. I just remember him hooning up and down the street on his bike, a few months before he died.

[Ray Bell]

Originally posted by E1pix
.....Some either can’t or don’t grieve, thinking that’s a sign of strength. I personally think it’s a sign of something else, a lack of coping or thinking it weak to have human emotions.....

Well put, E1...

Our emotions are a gift, they brighten our lives or help us through bad times, they are not to be bottled up.

[F1matt]

Cancer is a horrible illness and touches most of us in one way or another. I lost my father in 2001 to cancer and to watch a strong independent man die over 4 days in hospital without regaining consciousness was horrible. My Mother handled it very well, she was a nurse who had experience of working in a hospice so she knew what was coming. Since then I have donated to cancer research via direct debit but I have also donated money, time, and items, to a hospice which sometimes get overlooked for the amazing work they do. 

 

I am sorry for your loss Ian, I hope the emotions eventually subside and you remember all the good times you enjoyed together. 

[Porsche718]

Ian,

 

My condolences for your loss.

 

I have just received the news that my mother (step-mother actually, but the only mother figure I have had for the last 45 years or so) has pancreatic cancer that has spread to the liver. I am the only "relative" she has since my fathers passing, so I guess I, like you have been, will be at the mine-face in dealing with this filthy desease, and the one who will succumb to it in the most unpleasant way.

 

I know your wife would be proud of your moving on through your grief, and the efforts you are now taking to assist for further research.

 

Let the love she had for you be your momentum into the future.

 

God bless,

 

Steve W

[marksixman]

Ian,

 

Some wonderful words already posted, all of them sound. I am so sorry for your loss, having recently also suffered a family bereavement, but I feel a strength coming through you to carry on and fight.

 

Above all, talk about your grief. You have made a bold start here, but I do hope you have someone close to talk with, privately, personally. It really does help. If you don't, search someone out. It is not my place to make suggestions, but there is always someone out there, even if they are a stranger. A former neighbour once found the best person to talk to was her post lady. Oops, sorry, post person !

 

The recent advances in cancer research are just amazing, and in a large part due to donantions. I would encourage everyone to make a donation, however small, in their Will, or even better NOW. Please don't forget to make any donation Gift-aided.

 

Ian, Keep Strong.

[Henri Greuter]

Dear Ian,

 

I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

Working in the medical world in a field where we do a lot of research regarding Cancer I feel of course very sympathetic to your plea.

 

But, I regret to say, there is more what we can do.

But so few people want to listen to it.

 

 

Some cancers seem to be unavoidable, no prevention possible it appears. I've heard some heartbreaking stories of people struck by cancers without any reasons. On one occasion the patient in question made a comment that was alsmost comical and to laugh about if it wasn't confirming her death sentence.

Sometimes there seems to be no avoiding a certain variety.

But there are a few of which we all know that certain habits makes you more vulnerable for them.

 

I've lost a friend who ever smoked before his 60s to lung cancer, a family member of me who went through 3 packages of Gauloises each day eventually died at age 79 due to colon cancer, no problems with his lungs at all.

Still the general consensus remains: smoking makes you more vulnerable for lung cancer.

 

Alcohol is also known for making you more vulnerable to certain kind of cancers.

 

The research done by so many people worldwide, for a number of those cancer varieties  the need would be less if we as human beings would do more to reduce the risks that are known to exists for those kinds of cancers.

Not that we could do without it, given the exceptions to the rules we still see.

 

 

 

And that is also valid for a number of braind malfunction related deseases. Certain deseases are not avoidable yet, but the behaviour of especially younger people nowadays, time will only tell what kind of long term effects we will see eventually because of that.

 

Yes, support for research on cancer remans needed. ABSOLUTELY.

But it would also be of so much help if we think more often in live about reducing the risks in enhancing to develop certain kind of cancers of which it is known that certain behaviour and habits may, I repeat may enhance them.

And that doesn't mean you have to quit all those bad habits.

 

 

I know I won't make friends with this post.

But sometimes the truth is inconvenient.

And I've seen some of that truth from a certain angle that many will never see.

 

 

Apologies to everyone who feels I stepped out of line with this post. Moderators, if necessary, remove it and I'll accept the corresponding warning point with that.

 

 

Henri

[Doug Nye]

Your post seems perfectly reasonable to me Henri.  A physician friend tells me he is seeing - and fearing - a massive increase in terminal conditions almost certainly induced more by long-term physical idleness, simple lack of exercise, in conjunction with excessive consumption of meat protein, carbohydrate, sugar, salt etc, than by that of any alcohol or tobacco products.

 

Fat, lazy, sweet-toothed westerners - not least those glued sedentarily to computer screens all day - beware, or rather "be aware...".  From childhood that darned life-style clock is always ticking...

 

DCN

Edited by Doug Nye, 14 November 2023 - 19:47.

[Henri Greuter]

Your post seems perfectly reasonable to me Henri.  A physician friend tells me he is seeing - and fearing - a massive increase in terminal conditions almost certainly induced more by long-term physical idleness, simple lack of exercise, in conjunction with excessive consumption of meat protein, carbohydrate, sugar, salt etc, than by that of any alcohol or tobacco products.

 

Fat, lazy, sweet-toothed westerners - not least those glued sedentarily to computer screens all day - beware, or rather "be aware...".  From childhood that darned life-style clock is always ticking...

 

DCN

 

 

Thnx Doug,  

[E1pix]

Thanks to both of you.

We here could afford a basic medical system if simple preventative measures were widespread. But sadly, that incentive is a *huge conflict* to the moneymaking machine.

Ian, if any of this bothers you, please let us know…

[MCS]

Really sorry to see this, Ian.  A terrible time for you. 

 

Cancer is so indiscrimate, so ruthless, so devasting.  It's natural that your feelings of obviously desperate sorrow should turn to a form of anger towards the disease - some would probably say that this is all part of the healing process.

 

I sincerely hope you are somehow able to focus on the many good times, the happy times that you shared with you wife.  Not so easy at the moment I am sure, but hopefully as time goes by things will get easier.

 

Writing your post was a good start I suspect. 

 

I am sure you will always carry your wife with you in your heart and, as hard as it may seem, stay strong for her as well as yourself.  She would want that.